Sorry for the long story. Since I started school I have study problems, they also failed me, at 9 a started drug abuse smoking, alcohol, sex. That lifestyle lead to other bad experiences live being raped by older man then growing up having a hard time at school, I even failed

Question (Posted on : 14 Mar 2008 )

Sorry for the long story. Since I started school I have study problems, they also failed me, at 9 a started drug abuse smoking, alcohol, sex. That lifestyle lead to other bad experiences live being raped by older man then growing up having a hard time at school, I even failed grade1, after few attempts of suicide at an age of 20, I seek the help of professionals to help turn my life around which I am grateful for. Even if allot of money and many years have been spent on medication and doctors but now Iacirc;euro;trade;m almost qualified as an engineer living independent on my own with outstanding work record. But I still cannot have a proper relationship with a woman. After years of depression, anxiety and learning problems, health professionals also discovered a low testosterone problem with me. Test has revealed it could possibly be caused by psychological damage since the MRI showed no physical brain damage. The test show the problem was with the hypothalamus of my brain. I was never sure why it happened and being concern due to social believes, social pressure and fear of the consequences; I never dared to say let me think about the role my mother could have played. Somehow I could never think about the possibility that she abused me. My first experiences as a human being I could remember, being probably 2yo since I could barely walk; was my mother shouting at me so loud that my ears hurt and I cried. My entire life my mother could only yell and shout at me about everything, she could never say something in a normal tone of voice, everything wash shouted. Every time she gets a chance sometimes more than twice a week she would take a thick leather belt and continuously hit me with it, and if I cry she say I must stop crying and then she hit me because I was crying. For simple things such as; she found a rusted screwdriver in the garden and assumed it was me who let it there while I knew nothing about it or for playing in my cupboard. I used to sit on my fathers lap. He was a wonderful father. But when I get close to my mother, like being 5yo, she would push me away. She didn't want me close to her. When I was 13, my father divorced my mother and me and my mother had to leave the home, I had to live with her. I was terrified when my father gave me no choice but to stay with her. I hardly ever cried but that night I cried like mad because I didn't want to stay with her and then me and my mother hardly ever talked, the shouting never stopped, even if she was singing in the apartment hearing her voice made me want to run away. At the time I was 14 she said in front of my brother and sister, she planed my brother and my sister but not me, but what can we do, we cannot push him back in again that was the first time I really thought about suicide. Still sometimes if I hear her voice, I feel sweaty and get flush back to how she shouted and hitting me. At the time I was made to believe it is normal I was naughty and deserved it but I don't think so anymore since often I did nothing wrong. With me having a difficult time to visit her makes me feel I'm a bad son and that I have bad attitude towards women or that I'm an ungrateful person, but. My question is; would it make sense for me to accept that I was abused by my mother and that it could be a reason to many of my problems I suffered and that I fear female authority?

Doctor's Response (Posted on : 14 Mar 2008 )

You have complex psychosocial and medical history. In lot of cases of child abuse there is a cumulative effect of a repressed feeling of anger. This repressed feeling only results in agressive behavior, restoring to drugs, deviant sexual behavior and depression. History is irrelavant if we don't learn from it. Ask yourself this three questions : Are you attracted to women physically ? Have you had previous sexual encounters with women ? If you are psychologically affected are you willing to take treatment for that ? We feel that your condition is either abuse/drug induced sexual dysfunction or general depression. Please let us know what your views are on the above questions.

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